Bitter Hearts
by OCDdegrassi
Summary: Morgana has a secret that could shatter Merlin's world forever- the pain behind her evil soul and bitter heart. Set during 4x06. Now rated M. Officially Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** T  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy  
**Note: **I'm normally a slash fan of Merlin, but I've always loved the idea of Morgana and Merlin, and I felt like I had to write a story that gave more depth to the character of Morgana. This is very angsty and depressing, so you have been warned!

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Merlin awoke to the feel of cold water being splashed on his face. He felt his hands bound above his head and he quickly took in his surroundings. His face froze as he saw Morgana standing before him. She was still as beautiful as ever on the outside, but on the inside, she was ugly and cold. She was so different from the Morgana that he had once known and loved. That Morgana seemed to die when Merlin had been forced to poison her to save Camelot. She may have been slowly breaking for a time before that, but it was in that moment that she changed forever.

The guilt of that day had haunted Merlin every day and every night since. He wondered if it was his fault that she had turned into this bitter shell of the woman that she once was. He could never forget the look on her face when she realized what he'd done. As she started to gasp for air, her eyes were filled with pain and betrayal. Merlin could only hope that she would understand. After all, the Morgana that he once knew would rather give her life than let the people that she loved perish. She would have done the same thing if the situations were reversed.

But the Morgana that came back a year later was not the same girl. She did not understand. She was filled with hatred and resentment towards everyone. "Good morning," she coolly spoke, as she moved closer to the manservant. "Is it?" he bitterly replied. She pursued her lips in feign hurt.

"Oh, don't be like that. We have a lot of catching up to do. After all, I haven't seen you since you condemned my sister to a slow and painful death, thwarted my plans to take over Camelot and forced me to live in a hovel." Merlin defiantly replied, "Could you do me a favor? Could you let Arthur know? He still thinks of me as an under-achiever, but I'm quite proud of those accomplishments. I can die happy." She smirked cruelly. "Oh you're not going to die. Oh no no. I'm not going to make it that easy." Merlin was temporarily thrown off guard. He wasn't sure what to say at first. What could she possibly want with him?

After a moment of silence, he couldn't stop his own tongue from speaking the words that he had thought a hundred times before, "What happened to you? How did you become so bitter and angry?" Morgana's eyes flashed for a second with malice and Merlin could see her seething. "What happened to me? What happened to me?" She screamed angrily and threw a pot at Merlin, shattering it on the wall behind him. Her demeanor returned to its normal calm, but the anger and hate was still boiling beneath the surface.

"I'll tell you what happened, Merlin," she smiled bitterly. "The day that you poisoned me to save your precious Camelot, you took the most important thing in the world from me." By now, Merlin was beyond confused. What had he taken from her that day? Her life, yes, but she got that back. He stared at her quietly, simply waiting for her to continue. "My child," she spat out. His eyes widened as she turned away from him. "Yes, Merlin, I was pregnant. And your poison killed the baby." She had no more tears left to cry over her loss, and the only thing that she had left was hatred; pure, unadulterated hatred for the man tied up behind her.

Merlin's throat constricted and he found it impossible to swallow. His stomach started to churn and he suddenly felt incredibly dizzy. He felt like he was going to puke and pass out at the same time. He didn't want to open his mouth, but he had to. "We were going to have a baby?" His voice was soft and pained. She whipped around viciously and walked towards him until she was less than an inch from his face.

"Yes, Merlin. I was going to tell you once everything settled down, but I never had the chance. In your desperation to save Camelot, you killed your own child." Merlin closed his eyes as the tears started to well up, and he felt his heart completely break in his chest. He couldn't stop the sobs from escaping his lips, and he felt like he would crumble to the ground if his hands were not bound above him. Morgana silently walked away from him, and Merlin felt his entire world shatter.

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**A/N:** So what did you think? I'm not sure if I'm going to keep this as a one-shot or continue it. Thoughts? Please Review.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** T  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy  
**Note: **Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I was blown away by all the feedback and encouragement. I'm really happy that people wanted me to continue with this, because I'm actually really proud of it. I have a lot of ideas for where this story should go, so hopefully I will be able to update rather quickly. The italicized text is memories, and these memories are set during 2x03.

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**Chapter 2**

Morgana stepped outside to clear her head. She hadn't intended to tell Merlin about the baby. She didn't want him to know. But now that she thought about it, why shouldn't he know? After all, she had been suffering for two years now, and Merlin had never even suffered a day. He was responsible for their child's death, and he should be forced to feel that heart ache and pain just as sharply as she did. She knew that this would haunt him for the rest of his life, and he deserved it. She felt one tear stream down her face and she quickly wiped it away. She hated crying. She'd done so much of it after that day. It made her feel vulnerable and weak, and that was not something that she ever wanted to feel again. No, she would be as strong and as heartless as Uther was in his tireless crusade against her kind. He hunted and killed people like her, and he had robbed her of her throne by denying her as his daughter. At least he had finally got what he deserved.

But then there was Arthur. He pretended to be so just and merciful. Where was his mercy when he told her to hide her pregnancy from Uther, and then give her baby away? He claimed that he was only trying to protect her and Merlin, but she knew better. He didn't care about either of them. He just didn't want his precious king to be embarrassed by her transgressions. If he had cared about them at all, then he would have had at least told Merlin about the baby. He tried to persuade her to keep the pregnancy a secret from his manservant, claiming that Merlin would never want to give up the baby if he knew, and then he would be executed for sleeping with the king's ward. She knew that she could never lie to Merlin about the baby forever, because he deserved to know, but she did wait to tell him out of respect for Arthur. She wanted him to think that she was at least trying to do as he asked.

If it weren't for his stupid request for secrecy, then Merlin would have known about the baby, and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have poisoned her. This was as much Arthur's fault as it was Merlin's, and he would pay for her loss; she would make sure of it. She couldn't believe how stupid she had been to ever consider him a friend. He was arrogant and judgmental. If he'd known about her magic, then he would have shunned her, at best, and given her up to Uther, at worst. The only person who actually gave a damn about her in Camelot was Merlin. She remembered the day of their first kiss.

She was struggling so hard to come to terms with the fact that she had magic. Gaius and Gwen kept telling her that she was just upset, and there was nothing more to it, but she knew that there was more; much more. She just wanted someone to tell her the truth. She just wanted to hear it out loud so that she knew she wasn't crazy. When she'd gone to Gaius for help, she'd met with Merlin. The court physician was busy tending to the king, and she'd broken down in front of her friend. She begged him to tell her that it was magic; she could tell that he knew the truth as well as she did. She could see it in his eyes. When he'd refused to speak the words out loud, she'd stormed from the room. That could have been the end of it; it probably even _should_ have been the end of it; but it wasn't. He came to her chambers that night.

_She heard a knock from her bed, and she got up to open the door, expecting to see Arthur, or even Uther. Needless to say, she was surprised to see Merlin standing there, but she quietly let him in. __"Gauis asked me to deliver this." He held up a potion. He seemed nervous, and his eyes refused to meet hers. "I don't need a potion, thank you. Merlin, ignore what I said last night. I had a nightmare. I was upset." She was afraid that he would go running to Arthur and tell him what she'd said. If she was being completely honest, she was also afraid that he'd hate her for her confession. He'd been a good friend to her since shortly after his arrival to Camelot, and she didn't want to lose that. He smiled reassuringly. "I know. I haven't said anything to anyone." Morgana's eyes started to water and she almost broke down again, but she forced herself to walk away from him. _

"_I'm sorry. It's usually Gwen who has to deal with me when I'm like this." She was embarrassed by how emotional she was. She didn't like people seeing her that way. She was supposed to be a calm, collected ward of the king; not an emotional child. But Merlin didn't seem to mind at all. In fact, he seemed sympathetic and understanding. "I don't mind. Maybe I could help." She laughed bitterly. There was nothing that he could possibly do to help her. "I doubt that." He swallowed hard, and paused, as if he were debating whether to go on or not. "You'd be surprised." She stared at him incredulously, and he turned around and shut the door. "I understand. I realize how frightening all this must be for you, especially you." _

_He was trying to be as calm as possible, but she could see his heart thumping in his chest. "Why especially for me?" She walked towards him, trying to decipher exactly what he was trying to tell her. "You're the king's ward. You know his hatred for magic better than anyone." The shock went through her spine. She knew that he had been thinking it, but she couldn't believe that he would actually say it. "That's what you think has been happening to me? The dreams, the fire; you think it was magic!" She wanted to make him say it. "I'm not saying that," he countered, but she wasn't letting him off the hook that easily. "But it could be, couldn't it?" He shook his head slight. "I really wouldn't know, but there are people who do." She narrowed her eyes at him doubtfully. "Who?"_

"_What about the Druids? They help people like you." She scoffed at his statement, but she was also slightly relieved. He'd said 'people like you' which meant that he did think it was magic. She knew that she couldn't have been imaging it. "None of their kind would dare show their face in Camelot." Merlin stepped an inch closer to her and lowered his voice. "No. But I know where you can find them." Her eyes widened in shock. "Why would you do this for me?" Magic was banned in Camelot, and most people would have turned her into the king in a heartbeat, but here was Merlin, actually trying to help her. She knew that he was a loyal friend, but this seemed above and beyond. _

_He looked unsure about how to answer her. "Because I care about you, Morgana. I know that you're scared, and I don't want you to be." She was crying now. She felt accepted for who she was, even though Merlin had never actually said the words. He was the sweetest and kindest person that she'd ever met. They'd bonded over helping Mordred, and this only made her feel closer to him. She leaned in and pressed her lips to his. The kiss was only a second, but she felt warmth spread throughout her body. As she backed away from him, Merlin was blushing like mad. "Thank you, Merlin." He grinned happily at her in is innocent, adorable way, and Morgana knew right then that her feelings for him would never be the same. _

Morgana shook herself from her memories and realized that she had walked towards the stream. She bent down and splashed water over her face. Yes, Merlin had been good to her in the past, and she had deeply cared for him; but that all changed when he'd poisoned her. She could never forgive him for that.

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**A/N:** So what did you think? This chapter was about Morgana, so the next chapter will be about our favorite warlock. Please Review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** T  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy  
**Note: **Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciate the feedback! As promised, this chapter is about Merlin. The italicized text is memories, and these memories are set during 2x12.

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**Chapter 3**

Merlin's head was spinning as he waited for Morgana to return to the hovel. His mind was racing and he couldn't shut off his thoughts, no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't stay there any longer. He had to get out. "Forbearnan." The ropes that bound his hands burned to ash and he fell to the ground. As he stood, he started running. He wasn't sure where he was running to, but he just kept running. He didn't know what to do. He felt like he was trying to outrun his past and the horror that Morgana had just told him. So many memories were consuming his thoughts as they mixed together, but there was one very distinct memory that stood out.

_Everyone in Camelot was asleep, except for Morgana, Merlin, and Arthur. The warlock knew that he had to act fast to save the city and the people that he cared about. He rushed deep below the castle as quickly as he could. He had to beg the great dragon to help him. He was even forced to swear on his mother's life that he would free the dragon. He never wanted to make that promise, but he felt like he had no choice. There were so many innocent people that were depending on him to stop whatever was happening, whether they knew it or not. "__It is one thing to cast a spell that puts everyone to sleep. The power to maintain it is a very different thing. It will need more than just words to break this enchantment." Merlin was already becoming rather agitated with him. Why could he never just give him a straight answer? "What do you mean?" _

"_You must eradicate the source, Merlin." Finally, there was information that he could use. "Great, what is it?" Merlin was ready to find whatever it was and destroy it. "Not what, but who. Such spells need a vessel; a constant living presence to give them strength. The source of the pestilence is the witch, the lady Morgana." His heart stopped with those words. "It can't be." It couldn't be. Not her. He felt sick as his stomach churned. "I have warned you about her in the past, but you have failed to take heed. She is dangerous." He shook his head. "No." He couldn't believe it. Morgana was not dangerous. She may be angry at Uther, but she would never do this. He knew her. This wasn't her; it couldn't be. _

"_And now she has chosen to turn her back on her own." Merlin swallowed hard. If the great dragon was right, then all of Camelot would fall. Not only would Arthur die and his destiny would never be fulfilled, but people he cared about would die too. There was Gaius and Gwen and so many other innocent lives. "How do I stop her?" He could barely force himself to say the words. He didn't want to do anything to Morgana. Maybe there was another way. Maybe he could stop her without hurting her. "That is easy, young warlock. You must kill her."_

Merlin arrived at an open field and fell to his knees. He was sobbing as he remembered that day. Poisoning Morgana was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. He had always justified it by saying that he had no choice; it was the right thing to do. Now, he knew the truth. There was no justice in that act. He'd listened to the dragon, and he'd made the wrong choice. "DRAGON!" He lifted his head towards the sky and bellowed. He was panting as the great dragon landed in front of him. "Yes, Merlin," he said in his usual bored tone. "You made me kill my own child!" He screamed angrily, and the dragon looked intrigued at his outburst. "So you know about the child that the Lady Morgana was carrying." It wasn't even a question; just a mere observation. The words made Merlin's blood boil.

"So you knew! All along, you knew that by poisoning her, I would be killing my own child!" The dragon sighed. "Merlin, if you had not poisoned her, then all of Camelot would have fallen, and the future that you were destined to create would have never happened." Merlin shook his head in exasperation. "My future, my destiny, Albion; I'm so sick of hearing this! What if I don't care what my destiny is? Shouldn't I have a choice in my future? I should have known that Morgana was pregnant before you told me to kill her; you should have told me!" He spat out venomously. He had no more patience for the dragon. "Merlin, you cannot change your destiny. This was a sacrifice that had to be made." He stated this without any sympathy or sadness.

Merlin could not control his anger at this point. He was livid and he couldn't stand the sight of the beast. "You care of no one but yourself and the future that you want. You are selfish and cruel, and I will not be a part of your destiny!" He turned around and ran from the field, as the dragon yelled behind him in anger. Merlin was sure that all of Camelot could hear the dragon's growl, but he didn't care. He would never forgive him for this. He probably should have run back to Camelot; to Gaius and Arthur. It would have been the smart thing to do, but he didn't. Instead, he ran back to Morgana.

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**A/N:** So what did you think? I've always viewed the dragon as selfish and cold-hearted, so I wanted Merlin to finally see him that way. Please Review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** M  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy, Graphic Sex  
**Note: **Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed! I love hearing your opinions and feedback. So this story has been changed to M because I decided to add some graphic sex in this chapter. I hope that doesn't offend any of you. If you don't want to read that, then you can skip over that part of the italicized text. Again, the italicized text is memories, and these memories are set during 2x09.

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**Chapter 4**

Morgana returned from her walk to find the hovel empty. Merlin was nowhere to be found and the ropes that had bound his hands were burned to ash on the ground. Morgana touched the burnt remains tenderly. So it was true. She had long suspected that the boy had magic, but he had never admitted it to her, so she couldn't be sure. He did a good job of hiding it by never trusting anyone. Not even her when they had been lovers. It seemed crazy that he would have never told her, knowing that she had magic too. There would have been no reason for her to betray him. Now, she realized that he was smarter than she thought. If she had known for sure, then she could have told Uther when she returned to Camelot after he had poisoned her. Even if he had told Uther that Morgana herself had magic, there was no way that Uther would believe the manservant over his ward. Maybe Merlin had known something that she didn't all along. Maybe he had always known that he wouldn't be able to trust her forever.

Regardless of what Merlin had or had not known, Morgana was furious that he had escaped. She wanted revenge against him and Arthur, and now she had lost her chance. She let a man who ruined her life walk right out her door. She had been foolish. She should have never left him alone when she knew that there was even the slightest chance that he could escape. She was angry at herself for her mistake. It seemed like she had made a lot of those in the past couple years. But falling in love with Merlin was definitely the biggest mistake of all. He had been her undoing, in more ways than one.

_Morgana heard a knock at her chamber door. Gwen had already left for the night, so she opened it herself. Merlin was standing there with tears in his eyes. She ushered him inside and he walked to her window. He stared out into the night in a somber silence. She tried to be patient with him, but he didn't seem to know what to say. She took his hand in hers. "What's wrong, Merlin?" When he looked at her, she could see the heart ache written on his face. He sobbed as he told her about Freya. She listened in silence, but inside, she was reeling with emotions. She was jealous and hurt that Merlin had loved another, but then she felt guilty for feeling that way because Freya was dead. She also felt sadness for Merlin's heartbreak and anger at Arthur and Uther for being the reason for it. She didn't let any of this show on her face though. She would be supportive of Merlin, and simply be there for him without projecting her own feelings onto the situation. _

_As he finished telling her everything, she embraced him in a hug and he cried into her chest. She kissed his forehead as a comforting gesture. He looked at her with his eyes shining from tears. "I'm so sorry." That was all she said, but that was all she needed to say. Merlin understood, and he felt a sense of comfort from her presence. She was still holding him in her arms, but he wanted more. He wanted to feel less alone. He wasn't sure why he did it; whether he was seeking comfort or a distraction; but it didn't matter. He kissed her softly on the lips, and she responded just as gently. Her lips were soft and wet, and Merlin just wanted to be closer to her. He held her tightly and she pulled him onto the bed. She slid her hands under his shirt and looked at him for permission before pulling it over his head. _

_As he pulled her dress off, Merlin knew this was wrong. He shouldn't be sleeping with Morgana- not like this. He was doing it for all the wrong reasons, but he couldn't stop himself. He needed this. Morgana knew this was wrong too. She felt like she was taking advantage of Merlin when he was vulnerable, but the truth was that they were both taking advantage of each other. She wanted to comfort him and show him just how much she cared. She pulled him on top of her as their naked bodies pressed together. She was cold from the air hitting her uncovered skin, and Merlin pulled the covers over them after feeling her shiver. As they kissed, his hands slowly caressed their way down her body until they reached her hips. _

_He gripped her sides, while he slid himself inside her. She was so warm and tight that Merlin bit his lip as he thrust in and out as gently as he could. She tilted her head back in pleasure as he slid in and out of her. He felt incredible, and she ran her hands up and down his back as she kissed him again. He started to thrust faster and he was panting slightly. He was hitting just the right spot inside of Morgana, and she couldn't stop the moans that escaped from her lips. He began to thrust harder and she felt herself tense up as warmth exploded around her. Her body began to shake and she moaned loudly. Merlin felt her tighten around his penis from her orgasm and he felt himself near completion. He thrust faster and came. He was breathing heavily as he rolled onto her side, their bodies sweating and tired. Neither said a word, but they held each other as they fell asleep. _

That was the night that started it all. They slept together for all the wrong reasons, so it really shouldn't have been surprising that their relationship ended in tragedy. Still, Morgana could have never foreseen just how badly everything would turn out. If she had, then she never would have opened her door that night. Their relationship was always like that. The first night they were together had been wrong for so many reasons, but it grew deeper as time went on. Merlin had grown to love her just as much as she loved him; not that it mattered now. She was lost in her own thoughts when she heard the door open. As she turned around, Merlin was standing in her doorway, again, with tears in his eyes.

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**A/N:** So what did you think? I'm sorry if anyone is disappointed with their first time not being sweet and romantic, but I just didn't see it happening that way. I couldn't ignore the whole Freya issue. I hope you still liked it regardless. Please Review!


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** M  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy  
**Note: **Thank you so much for all your reviews! It's so awesome to hear from you guys! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 5**

Morgana stared silently at Merlin as he stood in her doorway. Did the boy have a death wish? He must have, to come back. He seemed to be waiting for her to say or do something. It occurred to Morgana that maybe Merlin did have a death wish. Maybe he wanted her to kill him, because he couldn't live with the guilt. How many times had she wished to be dead just so she wouldn't have to grieve anymore? Well Merlin wasn't going to get off that easy. Morgana had been suffering ever since that day and it was Merlin's turn to experience that same pain. "What do you want?" She asked calmly. "I, I don't know. I just had to come back. I deserve anything you do to me." He stuttered at first, but quickly regained his composure. He didn't blame Morgana for hating him. He deserved that and so much worse for what he'd done, but Morgana simply smirked.

"I'm not going to do anything to you, Merlin. After all, you weren't entirely to blame." She knew this would force Merlin to ask the one question that she wanted to answer. She knew that this one question had the power to destroy Camelot, and even Merlin himself, albeit slowly. Merlin was stunned. He wasn't the only one to blame; what did that mean? No one else had been the reason that their baby died, unless…unless someone else knew that Morgana was pregnant. But that was impossible, wasn't it? "What do you mean? Who else knew that you were pregnant?"He asked cautiously. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer, but he had to. He needed to know the truth, and the whole truth. Morgana turned away from him, but her smirk widened. Now, Merlin would finally know how the people he loved so much and poisoned her to protect were nothing but liars.

"Oh come now, Merlin. Surely you can guess. Arthur, his precious Gwen, and your faithful friend, Gaius. They all knew." The words were spoken with malice and they cut like a knife right through Merlin's heart. It couldn't be. That was impossible. He felt sick to his stomach again, and he shook his head. "No. They would have told me." Even as he spoke the words, he could sense the doubt in them. Was this a trick by Morgana to turn him against everyone? While it was highly possible and even plausible, he just could not see it. Why lie to him now? She could just kill him and be done with it. Or she could have only told him about Arthur to test his loyalty. But Gwen and Gaius? This made sense. He'd always wondered why she hated them so much, all of a sudden. She must be telling the truth. The thought scared him more than anything else.

"You have so much faith in these people, and yet they caused you to poison your own child. Anyone of them could have told you that I was pregnant, but they didn't. Gaius was the first to know. When I started to have my suspicions, I went to him to confirm them. He tested my urine on a rat, and it showed up as positive for pregnancy. I asked him not to say anything to you until I had told you myself, but you were like a son to him. No one would have blamed him for telling you." Merlin swallowed back his tears. Gaius was like his father. How could he have kept something that big from him?

But Morgana wasn't done. Merlin was going to hear everything. "Then I confided in Gwen. I was scared and I needed someone to talk to. Of course, she told Arthur and then he decided that he would try to take over my life. He was the worst of all. He tried to convince me to hide my pregnancy from everyone, even you, and then give the baby away. He could use as many lies as he wants to justify it, but I know that he just didn't want Uther to be embarrassed by his ward getting pregnant out of wedlock to his manservant." She paused for a moment to let the words sink in.

"Of course, perfect little Gwen offered to take the baby out of the city. Like she thought she could be a better mother to my child than I could. Ha! How ridiculous. At the time, I really believed that she was trying to help me. Now, I see that she was just doing what Arthur wanted her to do. It was not her place to tell Arthur about my pregnancy. It's because of him that I hid my pregnancy so long from you in the first place. If I hadn't, our child would still be alive. So you see, you may have killed our baby, but the three of them played a hand in this too. Your friends, the people you do everything to protect, don't even care enough about you to tell you that you were going to be a father."

By the time Morgana finished speaking, Merlin felt hollow. The three people that he thought he could trust had lied to him about something as important as his baby. After everything he'd done for them. Especially Arthur! How many times had he saved Arthur from different enemies? He was the reason the king was still alive, and did he ever get a thanks? Of course not. But Merlin could handle that. What he couldn't handle was that after all of that, Arthur was still willing to get rid of Merlin's child without him even knowing. He didn't care what Arthur's reasons were. That was unforgivable. His emotions were bubbling back and forth between sadness, emptiness, and anger. He wasn't sure which of the three he felt most; maybe all of them.

All he knew was that he couldn't stand here any longer. He wasn't even sure why he came back in the first place. He just couldn't stop himself. And now he was glad he did. As much as he hated knowing this information, it was better than living the rest of his life in a lie. These people were not his friends. He owed them nothing. His anger was fueled by his feelings of betrayal. He took off from the hovel once more and headed for Camelot. He needed to confront his _former_ friends. He was going to make them say the words; to finally tell him to his face what they had hid from him for so long. Morgana watched him go with satisfaction. She knew exactly where he was going and why, and it worked perfectly for her plan. She hadn't even had to lie. Camelot would be hers soon enough and she would get her revenge.

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**A/N:** So what did you think? I have two ways that this story could go, and I'm torn between both, so I'm curious to see what you guys think. Should I make the ending sad but not in the cannon way or should I end it happyish? Or should I end it sad but in the cannon way? Let me know; Please Review!


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** M  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy  
**Note: **Thanks for all the reviews! You guys are awesome. So I know how I want to end this story now, and I really appreciate all your feedback. Keep it coming! Here's the next chapter. Hope you enjoy!

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**Chapter 6**

Arthur Pendragon was pacing. Merlin was still missing, and Arthur was worried. He had been right there. Arthur had him, and he'd lost him. The rock slide had separated the two, and now Merlin was probably at the mercy of the enemy and it was all his fault. He should have protected him better. Merlin may have been his manservant, but he was more than that to the king. He was his best friend; the only person he could really trust, even if he'd never admit it. How many times had Merlin stood by his side through impossible odds? Arthur couldn't give up on him now. He would ride out to find him on his own. He heard his door open and shut, and he assumed that it was his uncle. He turned around, but was surprised to be met by none other than Merlin.

He was overcome with relief, as he quickly embraced the other in a hug. "Merlin! I thought we'd lost you." But there was something wrong. Merlin wasn't hugging him back. He was tense and way too quiet for Merlin. He backed away from his manservant and looked at him. He was surprised to see a look of anger and almost hatred on the other boy's face. What was wrong with him? Was he mad at Arthur for leaving him behind? That didn't seem like Merlin, but something was definitely wrong. "Are you okay?" Merlin stayed silent, and Arthur was starting to get really worried. He quickly looked him over to make sure that he wasn't hurt. He was dirty, but he seemed alright. In fact, his wound looked like it had already healed.

Then Arthur noticed the dried tears on Merlin's face. His eyes softened, but his worry was increasing. He wanted Merlin to talk to him and tell him what happened. "What happened after we were separated?" He tried to speak as gently as he could in order to coax his manservant to talk to him. He looked at Arthur with such contempt in his eyes that the king was temporarily taken back. "Morgana was behind the attack and she held me prisoner." He paused and Arthur was a mixture of confused and even more worried. What had Morgana done to him? And why was he mad at Arthur because of it? He started to get a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. She wouldn't have, would she? Would she have told him about the baby just to torture him? He wouldn't put it past her.

"And a funny thing happened; only it wasn't funny at all. She told me that she was pregnant, and you knew and never told me. In fact, you tried to get rid of my baby without me ever knowing about it." The feelings of betrayal were evident in Merlin's voice and Arthur's worst fears were confirmed. He felt the guilt sweep over him. "It wasn't like that, Merlin. My father would have killed you, Morgana, and the child if he knew. I was trying to protect all of you!" His voice was quiet yet sincere, but Merlin's icy glare didn't soften at all. "If that were true, then why wouldn't you have at least told me before you gave Gwen MY child!" His voice rose to a yell by the end of his sentence and Arthur realized that it was the first time he had ever heard his manservant raise his voice.

He shook his head in regret. "I knew that you would refuse to give up the baby, and you would be killed for that. I was trying to keep you safe. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing." His voice was sad as he spoke, and Merlin felt his anger start to subside. He seemed like he regretted his decision. Was Arthur telling the truth? Was he only trying to protect Merlin, but went about it the wrong way? Or was Morgana telling the truth when she said Arthur was only trying to save his father the embarrassment of Morgana's pregnancy? The young warlock was so confused. He wanted to believe Arthur, but he wasn't sure he could. He never thought that Arthur was a terrible person, so he couldn't imagine why he would do this Merlin on purpose. But on the other hand, he was the prince at the time, and his loyalty lied with his father, as well as with his duty to the kingdom. So where did that leave Merlin?

Was he a threat to the king's image that had to be silenced, or was he another person that Arthur had tried to protect? Arthur's morals usually forced him to protect women and children, so it stood to reason that he could have been trying to save Morgana and their baby. But then again, how many women and children had Arthur's father killed, simply because of his hatred towards magic? Arthur wasn't his father, but he had moments where he seemed the same. Had that been one of those times? Merlin had no idea what to think. His thoughts were so jumbled and confused. He needed to walk away from the situation. He needed to confront Gwen and Gaius, and then he would figure out what he thought of Arthur later. As he turned to walk out of the door, from behind him, he heard a very quiet "I'm sorry." He paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. He didn't think he had ever heard Arthur apologize and certainly not in a way that sounded this sincere and heartfelt. But before he had the chance to think about this, Guinevere walked in.

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**A/N:** So what do you think? I personally think that a real tragedy is one where there are no bad guys; just people who made mistakes. Do you agree? Please Review!


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** M  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy  
**Note: **Thank you to the people who reviewed. I love hearing from all of you! We're nearing the end of our story, my dear readers, but we still have a couple chapters to go. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 7**

Guinevere walked through the doors to Arthur's chambers and instantly met eyes with Merlin. She smiled happily. "Merlin,you're back. I'm so glad you're okay!" She had been worried sick about her friend. When the guards had said they couldn't find him, her heart had sunk in her chest. Merlin had always been so good to her, and he had done so much for her and her father. She hadn't given up hope though, because she knew that Arthur would go looking for Merlin on his own, and if anyone could find him, it was Arthur. She knew that he wouldn't give up until he found his manservant. Merlin did not return her smile. His anger was now boiling to the surface again. After everything he had done for Gwen, he was completely blind-sighted by her betrayal. He had risked his life to save her from being burned on the stake. "You lied to me about Morgana's pregnancy too."

He was blunt and cold and Gwen looked to Arthur in surprise. How had Merlin found out? They had promised to keep it a secret for his own sake. Arthur gave her a look that answered her silent question. Morgana; of course it was her. Only she would tell him now so that he had to suffer the loss of his child. Gwen could not believe that they had ever been friends. "Merlin, it's more complicated than that. We were trying to help you." She looked pleadingly to Arthur for support, but he looked resigned to Merlin's anger. Merlin laughed bitterly, and Gwen found herself feeling slightly afraid. She didn't think Merlin would ever hurt her, but he wasn't acting like himself. Surely he could understand why they had lied to him. "You weren't trying to protect me. Why did you tell Arthur when Morgana confided in you, huh? You could have told me, the father of the child, but instead, you told Arthur. And you were going to take our baby out of Camelot and raise it as your own, just because that's what Arthur wanted!"

Gwen was completely taken off guard. Merlin sounded like he thought she was trying to steal the baby. That wasn't what happened at all, and Gwen couldn't believe that Merlin would think that. "It wasn't like that. I told Arthur because I was worried about you and Morgana. I knew that Uther would have you hanged, and I didn't know what to do. Arthur was the only one who could help. And he didn't even want me to take the baby and raise it as my own. The only reason I offered is because I knew Morgana would not want a stranger raising her child. I thought this would put her mind at ease. I didn't do this to hurt either of you. Morgana was my friend and you still are."

Merlin shook his head and fought back tears. He wasn't going to cry again. There were just so many emotions running through him; pain, confusion, guilt, grief, anger, betrayal. He didn't know what was real and what wasn't. He felt like he was being brainwashed and couldn't think for himself. Had Morgana manipulated him into feeling this way? Or were Arthur and Gwen manipulating him now? He had always thought he could trust the two of them, but they had known about his child and not told him. Regardless of their reasons, that was enough to cause doubts in Merlin's mind. And then there was Morgana. While she had turned her back on everyone here, Merlin wasn't sure he could blame her anymore. He had always had a connection with her, but now he realized just how deeply that connection went. They shared a bond that would never go away. She was the mother of Merlin's child, even though the baby hadn't made it.

He needed to see one last person before he could analyze his emotions. He left the room without saying a word, and Gwen and Arthur stared after him in sadness. "I wish things had gone differently," Gwen said quietly, and the king knew just what she was talking about. She wished the baby hadn't died or that Morgana had never gotten pregnant in the first place. Then, things would be different. Maybe Morgana would have never become their enemy, and Merlin wouldn't hate them. Arthur nodded. "Me too."

Merlin arrived at the court physician's chambers and promptly walked in. Gaius was mixing together ingredients for a potion. Upon seeing Merlin, he stopped what he was doing. "Merlin! Thank heavens you're alright." He approached the boy, and with one look, he could tell that something was wrong. Merlin never had that look on his face unless something really terrible had happened. He hadn't seen that look in a long time. It was a mixture of anger, determination and sadness. "What happened?" Merlin couldn't look Gaius in the eyes. He knew that the older man would see right through him and know just how confused and upset he felt. He needed to do this. He had to hear his reasons for lying to him. He needed the truth, once and for all.

"How could you not tell me that Morgana was pregnant?" Gaius sighed sadly. He knew that somehow, Merlin would find out about the pregnancy eventually, and it brought him great heartache to know how much the warlock was suffering right now."It wasn't my place to tell you. I had hoped that Morgana would tell you herself. Merlin, I hated lying to you." Merlin couldn't even bring himself to respond to those words. He could never hate Gaius. He was like a father to him. He knew that Gaius valued privacy and discretion when it came to the people he helped as a physician. Even though Merlin had felt angry and betrayed, deep down, he always knew that Gaius would never intentionally hurt him. On the contrary, he would do everything he could to protect Merlin.

The warlock broke down and began to sob. Gaius pulled him into a hug and let the young man weep openly. He knew how terrible Merlin must be feeling, and Gaius hated that he ever had to feel this sort of excruciating emotional pain. There was no cure that could be given to him. The grief from the loss of someone you love, especially a child, is not something that any potion or speech could take away. Merlin felt helpless. If Arthur, Gwen, and Gaius had only been trying to do the right thing, then there was no one to blame for his child's death but himself. Sure, the dragon had told him to kill Morgana, but Merlin had listened. He had known long before that about the dragon's ruthless quest to create Albion. He had never cared about the sacrifices before, so there was no reason to believe that this time would be different. Yet, Merlin had done what the dragon told him to do. He hadn't questioned his motives or the outcome. He had blindly followed his advice because he believed it to be his destiny. He wasn't sure that he could live with the guilt of this on his conscience. It was eating away at his insides and he felt like it would eventually kill him.

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**A/N:** So what do you think? Now that Merlin knows both sides of the story, what will happen with Morgana? Please Review!


	8. Chapter 8

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** M  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy  
**Note: **Thank you to everyone for your reviews! Our story is almost at an end; there is only one more chapter after this. For some reason, this chapter was really hard for me to write. No matter how many times I tried, it was just not turning out right, so I hope you enjoy this anyway!

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**Chapter 8**

Merlin pulled away from Gaius' embrace. He wiped the tears from his face and cleared his throat. "I have to go," he stated simply, before walking into his room and throwing a few items into his brown, ragged bag. Gaius followed him with confusion evident on his face. "What do you mean you have to go? Where are you going?" Merlin surveyed the room to make sure that he had everything he needed. He added the book of spells to his bag in case he needed it. He wasn't sure how long he'd be gone, or if he'd even return at all. He was too consumed by his grief to think about it. All he knew was that he needed to get away; away from Arthur and Gaius and Gwen and Morgana. He couldn't let himself get distracted by any of them. He had to be alone to clear his head.

He now knew that his friends had good intentions when they'd lied to him, but they had still lied, and that directly caused the death of his child. He wasn't sure how to go forward from here. Did he just forgive and forget and let everything go back to normal? He didn't think he could do that. And how could he possibly go back to following his destiny when that was the very reason that he had killed his own child in the first place? He meant what he said to the dragon; he would not be a part of that all-consuming, narrow-sighted destiny. But his life had been defined by that destiny for so long now that he wasn't sure what to do without it. That's why he needed to be alone. He needed to figure out what to do and where to go from here.

"Gaius, I'm sorry, but I need to be alone right now." The old man did not look thrilled at the prospect of Merlin leaving, but he kept his opinions to himself, which Merlin was grateful for. Gaius knew that Merlin needed space and time, and whether Gaius liked it or not, Merlin was no longer a boy. He was a young man who made his own choices, and Gaius had to respect that. As Merlin walked towards the door, Gaius stopped him and pulled him into one more hug. "Be careful." Merlin nodded as tears filled his eyes again. He had never cried this much in his life. He felt pathetic, but he couldn't stop the emotional flood gates from opening. He silently left his chambers and Camelot without ever looking back.

He wasn't sure where he was going; he just let his feet lead him. He was only half-surprised when he ended up at the lake where he had taken Freya to die. He looked across the water at the snow-covered mountains in the backdrop. This place was breath-taking, and he always found comfort in the memories it brought. He missed the druid girl. She was beautiful, inside and out, even though she herself didn't see it. She had accepted Merlin without question and it broke his heart that he hadn't been able to save her, just as he hadn't been able to save his baby. He breathed in the fresh air as he gazed into the water. He was looking at the water but he wasn't really seeing it; he was too lost in his own mind. "Merlin," he was pulled from his thoughts by a soft voice speaking his name.

He looked around but saw no one. He must be going insane. He rubbed his eyes and then he heard it again. "Merlin." He followed the direction of the voice and looked straight into the water. The image of Freya had now appeared and Merlin felt his stomach leap in joy. "Freya. What are you doing here?" Her sad smile was similar to the one she always wore when she was alive. Merlin hated how much pain was beneath that smile. "I'm here to help you. You're confused and hurt, and it's understandable, but you must not lose sight of who you are." Merlin shook his head. "I don't know who I am anymore." It was the most sincere thing that he could have said. He felt no need to lie or sugar-coat his feelings to Freya. She knew better and she understood.

"You do, Merlin. You are denying your destiny, but you're forgetting that you never fought so hard to protect that destiny because you had to; you did it because you wanted to see Albion created. You wanted people with magic, people like you, to be free. I believe in the world you are trying to create, just as you still do. You've just lost your way." She gave him one final smile before she disappeared and Merlin desperately wished that she would come back. He felt even more alone than before. Her words sunk in slowly and Merlin started to really understand them. His feelings for Arthur and his "destiny" had nothing to do with why he protected the king.

He did it so that a better world could be created; a more fair and just world, where no one had to hide who they were; a world where magic was not viewed as evil. He still wanted that world, now more than ever. That's the world that he would have wanted for his child. He stood up as his resolve returned to him. He knew what he had to do. He never had to forget the loss of his baby, and he didn't even have to forgive the people who had lied to him. He didn't _have_ to do anything, but he wanted to forge the way for Albion to be created. It gave him hope and a reason to keep going and move forward. The dragon was wrong; people could escape their fate, but Merlin didn't want to.

However, things were going to be different now. This entire tragedy had made him realize that he didn't have to be a slave to his destiny. His choices were his and his alone. Never again would he blindly follow orders because it was his "destiny." If only he'd only figured this out sooner, then he would have done what he originally wanted and found another way to stop the spell that put Camelot to sleep. Then, he would have never poisoned Morgana and his child would still be alive, and maybe Morgana would still be happy. That was something that he would have to live with for the rest of his life. He couldn't change the past, but he did have the power to change the future.

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**A/N:** So what are your thoughts on Merlin's new outlook on his destiny? Please Review!


	9. Chapter 9

**Title:** Bitter Hearts  
**Author:** OCDegrassi (Holly)  
**Pairings:** Merlin/Morgana  
**Rating:** M  
**Warnings:** Angst, Violent Themes, Tragedy, Death  
**Note: **I am so sorry that it took me so long to update! This is the final chapter, and it was really hard for me to write. I didn't stay entirely within the cannon, so I know that some of you are going to be disappointed with the ending, and I'm sorry for that, but I just could not see this ending any other way. Thanks so much for sticking with me and to everyone who reviewed. I want to give a special shout-out to ArodieltheElfofRohan, hannahlucyy, Narutoske, and Haley Renee for all their wonderful reviews and feedback throughout this story!

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**Chapter 9**

Merlin made his way back to Morgana's hovel. This was an insane idea, but the warlock didn't care. He owed Morgana this much. She deserved to know the truth about everything before she made her final decision. He still believed in her. He remembered the kind and caring soul that she once was, and he knew that there was still a chance for her to change. He knew that she was bitter and heart-broken, but she was still the same Morgana, deep down. He didn't want to have to fight her. It would break his heart if he had to defeat her again. Only this time would be different; she wouldn't come back. Morgause wouldn't be there to save her. That would be it, and Merlin wanted nothing more than to avoid that tragedy. Because that was a tragedy to him. While many in Camelot would celebrate her death, he would mourn the woman he once loved. The world would be a darker place without her in it.

When he walked through the door, she smirked. "Well, well, you're back. You're either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish." He walked towards her and grabbed her hand in his own. "I'm so sorry, for everything." She tensed at his words. He was sorry? He was actually admitting that he made a mistake. For so long, she wished that she would hear those words; for Merlin to finally admit that what he did was wrong. Now that she was getting her wish, it didn't feel the same as she thought it would. She thought she'd feel vindicated or angry that the apology was too little, too late, but instead, she felt sadness. The walls that guarded her heart came crashing down and she started to cry. Merlin instantly embraced her in a hug and held her as she wept. He ran his fingers through her hair in a soothing fashion.

She quickly pulled away and wiped the tears from her face. "No. I'm not going to do this." She shook her head and turned around to walk away from him. She refused to break down to him. She was stronger than that. "Morgana, please listen to me." She stopped by the table but didn't turn around to face him. He took this a cue that she was listening; at least for now. "The Great Dragon told me of my destiny when I first arrived in Camelot. He said that I would help Arthur to become king and unite the lands of Albion. When this happens, magic would no longer be banned and people like you and me will be free. That is why I have always protected Arthur and always will. I want that future to exist. What I did to you was wrong; I know that now. I should have figured out another way to break the enchantment on Camelot. But don't hurt yourself because of my mistake, and that's exactly what you're doing now. By being full of hatred and bitterness, you're slowly killing yourself inside. Don't you want that world too? Isn't that the world you would want for our child? Join me, Morgana."

He stopped and waited in bated breath for her response. He was afraid to know the answer. He desperately wanted to save her, because Morgana deserved to be saved. She wasn't a bad person; she just lost her way after something terrible had happened. He could understand this. She stayed silent, letting his words sink in. Arthur allowing magic to be free in Camelot? That seemed impossible. Arthur shared Uther's hatred towards magic, didn't he? Then again, he had helped her smuggle Mordred out of Camelot. She turned around to look directly into Merlin's eyes. She knew him well enough to know whether or not he was lying. She saw nothing but sincerity though. Merlin was trying to save her; she could also see that in his eyes. He always did want to save everyone; He had a hero-complex. But he needed to learn that some people can't be saved.

"It's too late, Merlin. Hleap on bæc!" Her eyes glowed as the spell was cast and Merlin flew across the hovel. He hit his head, but managed to sit up regardless. He rubbed the back of his head and felt blood on his hand. Morgana walked towards him with determination in her eyes. She was going to finish this once in for all. She knew that Merlin would kill her, but that's what she wanted. She was tired of living like this. It hurt too much to grieve her child every day and this quest to destroy Camelot and Arthur was sucking every last ounce of energy from her body. Merlin was going to make a better world; a world that she wanted to be created, but it was too late for her now. She could never go back to his side after everything that had happened. She was an enemy to Camelot, and she knew that Arthur would not be as forgiving as her former lover.

She knew that Merlin was in tune with her emotions enough to know exactly what she wished for. With sad eyes and a heavy heart, he gave her what she wanted. "Forþ fleoge." Morgana was thrown back and hit the wall with a loud thud. Merlin walked over to her and sat down next to her, taking her hand in his own one more time. She looked up at him but her body was paralyzed. She was so tired and drained. "I will always love you, Morgana. I'm sorry," he whispered and kissed her forehead as the silent tears began to fall from his eyes. She started to shake from the cold and saw a bright light. She was ready to leave this world. She saw an image of a baby girl with her hair and Merlin's eyes. The baby was waiting for her. She smiled as she joined her daughter, and she was finally happy.

Fin.

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**A/N:** Thanks for reading :) Please review one last time.


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